The Great Escape

So it's taken me a while to come around to writing this post. I really didn't want to have to deal with the reality of this past month. At the beginning of October I was asked,"What is your favorite holiday?" To which I responded the entire month of October for two reasons: Oktoberfest, and halloween. While my friends looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas, I looked forward to brats, beer, and costumes. However, this October that wasn't the case, this October I lost my best friend, and grandmother. It was a time that drained me emotionally and physically, and as difficult as it was to come to terms with my grief, I knew eventually I would have to move forward with my life and pretend like it didn't hurt anymore. To help move forward I took a million steps back and turned to the one thing that would bring some level of comfort...food. Everything I had worked for was slowly being replaced with tighter clothes and less energy to even consider trying. Over the weekend I was reminded, that I used to be more willing to try new things, and just have fun. I've become content with my routine and even convinced myself that I was okay with how things were playing out. It was a very scary feeling realizing that I have been on autopilot for who knows how long. I would hate to look back and think that I didn't even enjoy life as it happened. I look towards my future and wonder if I'll be doing what I love or what I've settled for. I look at this post in two ways, either I stop the excuses and self doubt, or I continue settling for autopilot and wake up 5 years from now hating myself and what I've become. 

This morning I woke up and went for a jog/walk... 2 miles of what felt like the great escape. Escaping all thoughts and emotions and just struggling to finish strong. The rush of endorphines soared through my body as music guided me towards my imaginary finish line. I followed it with a relaxing yoga cool down which felt invigorating. I realized it was the first time since my grandma had passed that I didn't truly feel sad or angry. For a while I felt guilty, how can I be okay without her supporting me and praying for me, without her just being there. I've come to understand that it isn't that I'm not sad anymore cause I'll always miss her and always be reminded of that aching feeling, but now I feel a sense of peace knowing that she'd want me to live and experiance, and have fun just as she did. I finish this post sincerely hoping that I continue this journey and don't fall back towards comfort. 

 Draco accompanied me today on my walk.

 

"Bad day, looking for a way home,

looking for the great escape.

Gets in his car and drives away,

far from all the things that we are.

Puts on a smile and breathes it in

and breathes it out, he says,

bye bye bye to all of the noise.

Oh, he says, bye bye bye to all of the noise.

Hey child, things are looking down.

That's okay, you don't need to win anyways.

Don't be afraid, just eat up all the gray

and it will fade all away.

Don't let yourself fall down.

Bad day, looking for the great escape.

He says, bad day, looking for the great escape.

On a bad day, looking for the great escape,

the great escape."

The Great Escape- PatrickWatson